This is Day 7 of my 30-Day Blogging Challenge which coincides with my joining Celestine Chua's 30-Day Live a Better Life Challenge.
I am actually ashamed to admit that I was doing this personal development thing. I would be embarrassed and close the window whenever my husband gets near enough to read what's on my monitor. I'd breezily explain to my husband that it's something to while away my time, although I know that I don't have extra time on my hands as I'm battling deadlines left and right. I know he doesn't believe me, but it's hard to admit that you feel inadequate, that you have a problem.
I've always cultivated this image of being perfect. Every time I text parents, I usually deliver good news. I am earning lots of money despite having an unconventional job. I have wonderful kids and a wonderful husband. My clients love me. I usually gloss over bouts of procrastination, mistakes, and lost clients because I pride myself on being perfect.
But I'm not perfect. I don't think I will ever be, but I want to be my best self which explains my obsession with personal development, minimalism, and what-have-you.
I entered this challenge with a healthy dose of skepticism. How can you improve your life in just 30 days? It creeped me out that 1,099 people could be doing the same thing I'm doing. There was even a time when I thought that Celes was crazy, thinking that you can do this in an hour or so everyday. I found myself struggling with the tasks, especially since I also signed up for a big project that turned out to have a short timetable. Add the mundane tasks of mothering to the mix and I'm one big mess. I wanted to escape to my own Walden Woods (I'm thinking Puerto Princesa) and to "live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
Alas, I don't have that luxury. I had to make do with the time I had and although my tasks are as haphazard as a sloppily put together children's project, I am amazed at what it can do to your life. Yesterday, as per Celes' advice of pressing on against resistance, I tried discovering my purpose. I even did the brain dumping exercise, thinking "This is so silly... This is so silly..." Then I started listing my purpose... Celes said that you will come to a point of emotional resonance. I personally thought, "Emotional resonance, my a**!" But did the exercise anyway.
Somewhere between my 25th answer, I began crying... and then Enya's Caribbean Blue started playing (I had Enya, my absolutest favoritest artist ever in the background.) and I couldn't stop crying... I've discovered my life's purpose. Corny much? I haven't had this spiritual experience since I left organized religion behind.
To live my life in truth and beauty and to live it courageously so other people can be inspired to do the same.
To create a world that allows people to be their true and best selves.
How many times have I aligned my life according to other people. First, I aligned it according to what my parents expect of me, then my church and my friends, then my husband and family. Life is never about me, but according to other's expectations. I remember when we were asked to do a psychology paper about our identities and all I came up with are roles, a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend, a student. No wonder I love those travels abroad. It seems like I was presented a blank slate to start over again. I was just me and it felt wonderful. It's easy to be yourself in another territory; you don't know anyone. No one has a preconception of who you are. The challenge now is whether I can do it here in my present world without having to escape.
Caribbean Blue
...Eurus...
...Afer Ventus...
...so the world goes round and round
With all you ever knew --
They say the sky high above
Is Caribbean blue...
...if every man says all he can,
If every man is true,
Do I believe the sky above
Is Caribbean blue...
...Boreas...
...Zephryus...
...if all you told was turned to gold
If all you dreamed was new,
Imagine sky high above
In Caribbean blue...
...Eurus...
...Afer Ventus...
...Boreas
Zephryus...
...Africus...
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