"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." ~Mahatma Gandhi
Since working from home, I have been secluded from the outside world. Save for my family and clients, I haven't really connected with anybody except for the light banter at Facebook. I'd like to think that being separated from my friends was something I could not control. In truth, it was a deliberate act. I was burned by friends whom I've treasured for a long time and this left me distrustful of all my friends and people in general. I thought to myself, if these persons whom I've trusted could betray me, how much more are those who are not my friends?
It was exhausting to nurture a grudge. Whenever memories of the betrayal rear up, I felt rage. Then, I'd launch into 101 plots of revenge on these persons. I also started avoiding friends that are connected to those who betrayed me because it made me remember the pain they have caused. I was consumed by worries that these persons are still backstabbing me within our circle of friends. Because I was spending so much time being hurt and being angry, I neglected even the friends who didn't do anything wrong. I came into a realization that these feelings of betrayal are poisoning my life. They robbed me of enjoying my friendships and isolated me from caring people because of the distrust it produced.
So, I decided to forgive. When you've sunk so low as I had because of anger and hurt, there's nowhere to go but up, towards forgiveness. I've learned that it takes a decision to know whether you want to rise up again or stay in the dumps. I've been down here for two years and all it gave me was a festering sore of anger that never really leaves.
I've put together the stages that I've gone through to help those who are in the same situation. I hope by putting this down on paper (on the blogosphere) I'd be able to share with you my journey towards forgiveness. Forgiveness is not an overnight cure-all. It was a commitment I had to make everyday. Believe me, though, that forgiveness is a clean and liberating feeling that will attract positive things into your life. It's sort of a mental decluttering that frees your heart from the burden of hurt so you can make room for positive feelings instead.
- Acknowledge the hurt. For a time, I failed to recognize how the betrayal affected me. Because of my pride, I refused to admit that what my friends have done to me destroyed my trust and faith in people. I was only fooling myself. My actions tell me otherwise, and so I told myself that yes, I was hurt by these people. By recognizing that you were hurt, you'll be able to release that feeling to make room for forgiveness.
- Recognize that you needed forgiveness, too. Compassion is necessary to forgive. To cultivate compassion, think about the times when you were the one who needed forgiving. There were times when you've wittingly or unwittingly hurt another person. When you put yourself in another's shoes, you'll find it easier to decide to forgive.
- Decide to Forgive. For those who think that there are actions that are not meant to be forgiven, please hear me out. When you forgive, this does not mean that you allow people to continually hurt you or approve of what they have done. Nor is it a response to someone who is asking for forgiveness. In fact, you can forgive even if the persons who hurt you never asked for forgiveness. The persons who hurt me never asked for forgiveness, but I chose to forgive them. I decided to forgo my desire to be right and to feel aggrieved. Forgiveness is not something that you do for other people, but for yourself. This is the key thing in deciding to forgive. When you fail to forgive, you only hurt yourself because you remain a victim of someone else's actions. Research has shown that bestowing forgiveness can have health benefits. It lowers stress levels, making you less likely to contract cardiovascular disease and hormonal disruptions. Think of all the benefits you'll reap. In fact, forgiveness is the most selfish act you can do because you are the one who gets all the benefits.
- Let go of the hurt and the desire for revenge. This is one of the hardest parts I had to go through. You see, being vindictive can also give you a good feeling, so does knowing that you were right. This feeling can even give you a sense of power. In the end, you're the one who suffers because you cannot act on your feelings of revenge. I am also sure that even if you do act on those feelings, you'd feel bad after because it's against your nature to hurt other people purposefully. If you do feel better after having your revenge, please feel free to comment on this post. I'm curious as to how other people feel after getting their revenge. I'd imagine that the happiness will be short-lived, but I'm open to other's thoughts about this.
- Commit to forgiving. Whenever you are troubled with memories of the betrayal (and believe me, these feelings will surface more often than you'd like), remind yourself about your decision to forgive. Think about something good that came out of the situation. Among the positives that I can think of in my situation is that it allowed me to stand up for myself and to not permit other people to abuse me. I have also learned how to appreciate the relationships that I have that were not tainted by betrayal. Another positive result from my experience is to allow myself to be emotionally generous.
I can say personally that forgiveness brought peace into my life. I am not controlled by anger or resentment. Although it's a long and difficult process (it took me two years after the incident), I can say that I did not regret the decision to forgive.
Don't Base Forgiveness on the Other Person's Actions
You might wonder why I didn't include telling the person that you have been hurt or even waiting for the offender to apologize. I have debated over whether this stage is compulsory to forgiveness. I personally think that it isn't because if it is, forgiveness depends on another person's decision and not yours. Then there's the problem of whether or not that person can be reached. What if the person is dead or doesn't want your forgiveness? Here's a general rule that I live by: If you still have contact with the person who has hurt you and you value this relationship, I find it useful to express that you got hurt by his or her actions. Do not accuse them; just concentrate on how their actions made you feel. I find that most of the time persons do not actually intend to hurt you. They may even act surprised that their actions have caused you grief. Oftentimes, they apologize.
Then there's another breed who refuse to apologize and accept that they have wronged you. Forgive them regardless of their reactions. When you tell them that you have been hurt, this shows that you give no room for further abuse. Remember, forgiveness doesn't mean that you condone the action or that you allow yourself to be mistreated. If this happens, perhaps, you can decide to end the relationship or to
not accept further abuse.
How about you, dear readers? Have you had any experience with forgiveness? How did it make you feel?
