Lessons from "A Spider Story"

I've been on a self-imposed hiatus a month after such a fulfilling road to self-discovery. As always, when I am getting closer to my truth, I have this inescapable feeling of running away from it. I am so afraid of facing my true self because: a) I might find that I'm not that special and so have to live with this knowledge in humiliation my entire life; b) I might be so dazzled by my own destiny that  I'll be forever hounded by the "for unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required" commandment I have been fed throughout my life.

Then, as always, my more rational self would rear up and say in a matter-of-fact voice and say that my truth is something I make. For good measure, synchronicity played its part again. My daughter asked me to read her this lusciously illustrated book by Germaine Yia called "A Spider Story." 

Basically, the spider named "Bella" was envious of her neighbor's houses, so she set out to make a unique house for herself and she's NOT going to use her ordinary silk thread. 

So little Bella who uncannily has wavy hair and glasses like I do started to build a house made of human hair, bubble gum, and this is my favorite part, spaghetti! Each one was a disaster and you know where I'm getting to, right? In the end, she saw how her silk web is the most perfect home for herself and I quote:

Image: dan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

"Bella could not believe her eyes. Right before her was the perfect web. It may not have a penthouse view. It may not have mysterious underground tunnels. It may not even be one that she can't take everywhere. But it was hers. She built it with her eight legs and it was made out of her own silk thread. It was her web and it was perfect."

During Celes' 30 DLBL, I got in touch with my old self, the inner longings of a young person, unweighed by family commitments and brimming with dreams of travel and drinking wine in Italy. Underneath all those unleashed dreaming was an undercurrent of fear I could not shake off. I didn't listen to that voice.I marked and organized the folders that will carry all the paperwork that I need for a scholarship in Italy. I contacted all the professors and employers for recommendation letters, gotten in touch with friends in Europe, the works, but always, there's a hidden voice inside my head that's screaming, "What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?"

At first I thought that it was just fear of the unknown. Stubbornly, I forged on. I actually have to convince myself into thinking that my children will be safe with their father, their grandparents. They will be filled with love. I rationalized that I'm doing this for them! They will have everything they wanted. I needed this. I needed time to be with myself, to see my full potential. By god! I am going to Europe to find my true self a la Elizabeth Gilbert. The universe will once again conspire to give me the best life I have never imagined.

What did the universe give me?

Obstacle after obstacle after obstacle. It was exasperating, really. I bled pesos. I had to battle with a grumpy old postal clerk for International Postal Money Orders which I still don't have until now. I wasn't cleared from the university because I was overassessed by mere P100. When I went to a government office to secure a license, there was no electricity. We went to another town and there was no electricity. I'm sure you might say these are all petty compared to obstacles by great people. Under ordinary circumstances, I would have gritted my teeth and forged on. This time, I was second-guessing myself. Are these obstacles mere messages to urge me to strive harder or are they reminders sent to me by the universe, telling me to halt and re-assess my goals.

I felt it was the latter.

Was I like Bella, trying to build a house on spaghetti noodles, when I am capable of producing strong silk threads? So I take a step back and find myself on square one. Yet again.