Room for Spontaneity

Image from sxc.hu

I was just over Neil Gaiman's blog and was moved to tears by their impromptu wedding. These are what weddings should be. Life, too. Its inexplicable messiness makes it beautiful. Spur-of-the-moment decisions often are beautiful. Heck, my two kids were all unplanned and everyday, I thank God that I have naively plunged into parenthood and now reaping how joyfully nerve-wracking fulfilling it can be. Then, I realized how often I'd get caught up planning an outrageously perfect life that I forget to make room for spontaneous moments.

I planned out my life for the next years ahead and when I was to lay the groundwork for those bold plans, everything seemed to be barring my way. So, I behaved like a petulant child would: moped around, got burned out, spent the rest of December in a haze of depression, let all my projects drop one by one. Not exactly how a mature adult with responsibilities would behave. I had my own version of psychological freak-out, a watered-down "Black Swan" minus lessy wet dreams and the self-cutting. I kept expecting a doppelganger to appear any moment. I didn't even have the heart to write my to-do list in the sumptuous planner Teeyah gave me. I couldn't lift a spatula and experiment. I flipped pages of Yummy magazines and recipes were just recipes. I just let it all slide off me and I didn't care.

One night, I was on my bed with my 2-year-old when I had a moment of panic, of feeling so out of control that I just cried and cried...deep, heaving sobs. Then my daughter out of nowhere said in her cute voice in a matter-of-fact tone that I often use whenever she's in one of her scrapes, "Mommy, wag ka nang umiyak. Bibigyan kita ng toy." (Mom, don't cry. I'll give you a toy.) and she started gesturing and giving me a make-believe toy. I swear to God that my kids were brought into this world so I wouldn't spiral out of control like this. Husbands and friends, too. So little by little, with the help of my hubby who by default was in this rollercoaster ride with me, a steadfast rock to my careening self,  and the kind words of friends, I force myself out of the haze and slowly start to live again.

So for the moment, I've made a weekend date with a dear friend without any plans. No itineraries, no to-do list, just a penciled-in list of old friends to meet and a Sunday lunch with my sisters...and we'll see what happens.